Things I Have Learned About Movies I Have Not Seen

Here are some things I have come to understand about famous movies that I’ve never seen:

There Will Be Blood (2007)

  1. Daniel Day-Lewis is in this movie and I guess he is pretty good because it won him an Oscar.
  2. (I heard he was kind of a ham though.)

    © John Allison. (Source.)

  3. I think the plot has something to do with oil?
  4. There is a completely baffling line about milkshakes.

No Country For Old Men (2007)

  1. Javier Bardem is in this movie and his hair looks like this:

    That is everything I know.

 The Big Lebowski (1998)

  1. Jeff Bridges is in this movie and he plays The Dude and The Dude abides.
  2. John Goodman is also in this movie but I don’t know who he plays.
  3. I think it takes place in a bowling alley?

Jerry Maguire (1996)

  1. Tom Cruise is in this movie and so is Renée Zellweger. They play Jerry Maguire and Jerry Maguire’s love interest.
  2. Cuba Gooding, Jr. is in this movie too, but I don’t know who he plays.
  3. Also this squirt, who probably plays somebody’s annoying kid or something:

  4. I think this movie might be about sports betting?
  5. There is a part where Tom Cruise says, “Show me the money.” There is also a part where Renée Zellweger says, “You had me at hello,” which I guess is supposed to be pretty romantic in context.

The Silence of the Lambs (1991)

  1. Anthony Hopkins is in this movie and he plays a character called Hannibal Lecter.
  2. Jodie Foster is also in this movie and she plays a character called Clarice.
  3. Clarice has to match wits or possibly team up with Hannibal Lecter, who is an extremely intelligent serial killer who likes to eat people with fava beans.
  4. I think they are teaming up to catch another serial killer named Buffalo Bill who is played by Captain Leland Stottlemeyer from Monk.
  5. At some point somebody says, “It puts the lotion on its skin,” which is a line that people on the internet like to quote a lot.

Jaws (1975)

  1. This is a movie about a killer shark. The shark’s name is Bruce, and I know that because it was mentioned it in the Baby-Sitter’s Club book where they all visit Dawn’s family in California and go to Universal Studios Hollywood.
  2. There is a line that goes, “I think we’re gonna need a bigger boat.”
  3. Also, this.

Deep Throat (1972)

  1. Linda Lovelace is in this movie and she plays a sexually unsatisfied woman who finds out that her clitoris is located in her throat and the only way she can reach orgasm is by giving blow jobs that is literally the plot of this movie.

Casablanca (1942)

  1. Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman are in this movie and they play characters called Rick and Ilsa.
  2. There is also a character called Sam and he plays “As Time Goes By” on the piano, and then Rick and/or Ilsa want him to play it again.
  3. Casablanca is in Morocco. I don’t know if I learned this specifically in relation to the movie, but it is a useful geographical fact nonetheless.
  4. The plot has something to do with Nazis, I’m pretty sure.
  5. At the end, Ilsa says, “We’ll always have Paris,” and then I think she gets on a plane? And Rick says, “I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship,” but I’m not sure who he says it to. Maybe Sam? Definitely not Ilsa, she is going to America!
  6. I should probably watch this movie.

Citizen Kane (1941)

  1. Orson Welles is in this movie and he also wrote and directed it.
  2. He plays Kane, who is based on William Randolph Hearst.
  3. There is also a character based on Hearst’s mistress, Marion Davies, and it is not a very sympathetic portrayal, although I have heard that Davies was a very nice lady in real life.
  4. Oh right, yeah, Rosebud is the sled.

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